(and other mythical creatures as well)
Once upon a time, before the Rise of Microsoft and the Fall of the Iron Curtain,
the computer community (not a real industry yet) occupied a tiny percentage
of the working population. Then, in a single decade, everything suddenly changed!
New computers, new technologies, new methodologies, new opportunities and eventually... new careers.
The title Computer Programmer or Computer Technician was replaced by System Analyst, System Designer and recently IT Consultant (Information Technology for you people from Saturn and Iowa).
There are, literally, millions of "consultants", especially in Europe but also in the US and Asia.
Question: Where did they all come from? How can millions of new professionals acquire enough experience to climb the ladder from the step of "simple" programmer/technician to the rank of "Consultant"?
Answer for U.S. Citizens who think fried potatoes (a.k.a. French Fries, chips) should be called "Freedom Fries" and will once again vote for G.W.Bush:They didn't! They are terrorists. They are out to get you. They should be mentioned in the Commies/Terrorists/Axis of Evil list.
Answer for the rest of the world and for the US citizens who are still focused: They didn't climb the ladder! They were born (or rather they think they were born) "Consultants". And they are here... Amongst us... People who have never "gutted" a PC, have never written a single line of code (unless you count using FrontPage to write HTML) are suddenly talking about E-R diagrams, O-O methodology and the SWOT table!
These persons are hired to consult their companies about matters relating to the Information Technology Industry... But this is an industry they have no clue about! The IT area is NOT like English Literature (no offense meant). You can't master it just because you have a degree, earn 100Euro per hour and read 'Wired!' every month!!!
Anyway, some time ago, a friend forwarded me an email asking "Is this true?". I am publishing both the email (with the sender's weird notion of carriage returns/new lines but without his signature) and my reply, because I'm getting FED UP with all the IT expert consultants out there! I've also emphasized a few parts and added a few comments.
Subject: Anti-Virus Action
How to protect yourself from this.
As you may know, when/if a worm virus gets into your computer it heads
straight for your email address book and sends itself to everyone in (I
really like the animate nature of a "worm virus" that creeps to your
email addresses)
There, thus infecting all your friends and associates. This trick won't
Keep
The virus from getting into your computer, but it will stop it from
Using
Your address book to spread further, and it will alert you to the fact
That
"OK, ENOUGH IS ENOUGH! This is already too looooooong...". If you are currently dipping a freedom fry in a kewl (a.k.a. exquisite) Californian wine please go to the give me the punch line section (CLICK HERE)
The worm has gotten into your system.
Here's what you do: First, open your address book and click on "new
Contact" or "new person" (this
must be a new email app) just as you would do if you were adding a new
Friend to your list of email addresses. In the window where you would
Type your friend's FIRST name, type in !000 (that's an exclamation mark
Followed by 3 zeros). (Will
my PC explode if I forget the last zero and type "!00"? Perhaps I
can type !007 I think this has much better chances)
In the window below (This
must be one of those MDI things, where each "thingy" has got its own
window) where it prompts you to enter the new email
Address,
Type in Worm Alert. Then complete everything by clicking add, enter,
OK, Etc. ("add,enter,OK,Etc."
as in Yes,OK,I agree,Continue,Next,Apply- you know the drill)
Now, here's what you've done and why it works: the "name" "!000"
will
Be
Placed at the top of your address book as entry #1. This will be where
The worm will start in an effort to send itself to all your friends.
But when it tries to send itself to !000, it will be undeliverable
Because
Of the phony email address you entered (Worm Alert). If the first
Attempt
Fails
(Which it will because of the phony address), the worm goes no further
(It simply
dies a horrible death, out of sheer disappointment)
And
Your friends will not be infected. (Uh,
OK then let's open all these EXE attachments now)
Here's the second great advantage of this method: if an email cannot be
Delivered, you will be notified of this in your In Box almost
Immediately. (Well,
I'm not really sure it will happen immediately so let's add the almost...
Typical consultant reasoning... You wouldn't understand...)
Hence, if you ever get an email telling you that an email addressed to
Worm Alert could not be delivered, you know right away that you have
The worm virus in your system. You can then take steps to get rid of
It! DELETE IT! Pretty slick huh? (DUH!)
If everybody you know does this then you needn't ever worry
about
Opening
Mail from friends. Pass this on to all your friends.
Now this last line is the dangerous one! YOU NEEDN'T EVER WORRY ABOUT OPENING MAIL FROM FRIENDS. I really don't know if I should laugh or cry! Anyhow, here's my reply email to my friend:
1. Almost all viruses have got an error handling routine. This is a simple
line of code that says: On Error Resume
Next (or something
equivalent in other programming languages)
As a result, EVEN if the recipient is unknown (because the email address is
meaningless) the virus will continue with the next name on the list!
This error handling is sooo common even for older viruses like the ILOVEYOU
virus. Below you will find the first lines of the ILOVEYOU virus’ source code.
'rem' lines are just remarks, meaning that error handling is the VERY first
thing the virus tackles!
rem barok -loveletter(vbe) <i hate
go to school>
rem by: spyder / ispyder@mail.com / @GRAMMERSoft Group / Manila,Philippines
On Error Resume Next
dim fso,dirsystem,dirwin,dirtemp,eq,ctr,file,vbscopy,dow
eq=""
ctr=0
2. Most recent viruses (including Sircam and CodeRed) bypass Outlook altogether
and use direct SMTP commands to the user’s mailserver as well as other mail
servers over the internet that are “vulnerable” (also known as “open relay”
servers).
How about a test?
You should try it with your own mailserver (the name can be found in your Outlook
account settings (Tools->Options/Services)).
Here are the commands. Open an MS-DOS Prompt Window and pay attention to the
spaces:
telnet somemailserver.com 25
helo Some servers
may require a domain name so enter something truthfully, like liar.com
mail from: myemail@somemailserver.com
Or stick to the truth, bigliar@liar.com
rcpt to:!000 If
you want to REALLY try it, enter your own email address after the full colon
and you’ll receive the message!
data
”Hey how do I send this?”
.
quit
End each line with CRLF (i.e. press Enter).
Wow it accepts it! Open-relay servers will NOT check that the sender domain
(liar.com!) exists or ask for domain confirmation after helo, or even check
your IP address.
In ANY case, your email address and your mailserver’s name or IP are easily
retrieved from Outlook.
Bottom line:
Creating a dummy !000 address will help you about as much as drinking magic
potions and praying to God/Allah/Whoever before going to bed.
Keep in mind that, as in real life, each new virus is cleverer than the previous
one and that some of them are truly INGENIOUS. Some viruses may depend on innovative
ideas (like the SMTP commands), others may depend on human psychology (“What???
Can this be true? My boss/colleague/associate really loves me?”).
One thing that ALL viruses have in common is that they depend on inexperienced
or misinformed users!!!
Here’s is THE ONE AND ONLY rule to safety:
Do NOT open attachments unless you know what it is you are opening! If in
doubt send a reply email asking for confirmation, or pick up the phone and call
the sender (s/he may be happy to hear your voice!).
If, out of the blue, you get prompted to Open or Run <something> and you don't know what it is... DON'T OPEN/RUN it. Hit No/Cancel or close the window alltogether!
And because one nasty virus will eventually get through... Buy some protection... Get an antivirus program AND KEEP IT UPDATED! You could also choose another Operating System, like Linux (and before all you experts start complaining, the mere fact that Linux hasn't got a broad consumer basis is enough to ensure that viruses for Linux or any other non-Windows OS are going to be very rare)
I will add this Q&A to my site just to point out that the last thing you want to do is to rest assured because some IT Consultant said “Follow this rule and you are safe”
Rgds,
Yiannis Papadopoulos
IT Consultant ;-)
Does this end here? Of course not! I bet there will be some people out there with a "!000" contact in their Address Book and more than a few experts who will propose three drops of a dragon's blood as the next solution.
How do I know If I'm talking to a phoney IT Consultant? Ask him/her what's their "hands-on" experience... What kind of projects they have worked on... Better yet, ask them a simple question about your PC at home (you DO have one, don't you?). If they answer with "you wouldn't understand...", "it's not that simple...", "...based on Coad-Yourdon's theory and the software lifecycle..." turn around and RUN! Someone who knows his/her stuff (and has got a few moments to spare) CAN figure out ways to make an answer simple enough for non-technical people to understand!!!
Isn't it true that the increasing demand for IT professionals is the true cause of all this havoc? You got me here! Yes, it is. Now combine this to a new field of knowledge that most people do NOT understand AT ALL and you end up with the alchemists of the 21st century
Where did all the <dot>coms go? Exactly where they should have gone! Unfortunately most of their brilliant employees are still out there!
What about all the nice stuff they promised me? WAP, E-Business, 3G-mobiles, video on demand? Where's all that? Between the <dot>coms and the piles of 24K gold bars made of carbon.
Is the future really that bad? Of course not! Like everything else, this new field will find its balance... eventually... perhaps after a good witch-hunt... or two...
Have you got a phoney Consultant story? Please, please, please email it to me
a.k.a. The Microsoft Office XP Solution
And when I thought the worst was over, here come WindowsXP and OfficeXP (2002).
Since we are all mentally impaired, unreliable and, of course, ungrateful about Bill's seconf gift to humanity (MSOffice), the new MSOutlook comes with a *new* security feature: If you send an Office file with Visual Basic code by email and the recipient has OutlookXP installed, his/her Outlook will automatically remove the attachment!!! To be exact, it will completely wipe the attachment! It will not copy it to a safe location, it will not ask you if you want to open an unsafe attachment... But it will decide that, since you are mentally unable to know the difference between a file with VB features and a file with a virus, you need to be protected from your ignorance.
Now, who wants to send documents with VB code you may ask, right? WRONG! I didn't say Word documents (although they too can have VB). I said files... As in Excel files, where VB code (macros) is as old as Excel 4! I'm talking Microsoft Access for pity's sake... Where EVERYTHING is VB code!!!!
I don't know about you, but personally I DO NOT like my email application to decide what I want to do with my attachments, so I tried to find the option/preference that stopped this outrageous behaviour! "Enough is enough" I shouted and proceeded with Tools-->Options-->Mail Setup,Mail Format, Other,Security etc. etc. I think I may also be visually impaired because I'm still looking...
If Word,Excel and Access were produced by a different software company we would all scream about Microsoft's monopolistic, unfair and damaging policies. Now that all three plus Outlook are produced by Microsoft noone has said anything!!!
So, we now have to deal with something new! If 15-year old script kiddies and 22-year old IT Consultants were not bad enough, we are also faced with the new Outlook version, the one that thinks it's HAL9000.
Good night Dr.Chandra
UPDATE: A few nice people have told me that you are indeed able to disable this "feature". By tweaking the registry. True, but not a very good solution, is it now? Personally I prefer to zip the files and email the archive. This has the added advantage of requiring less bandwidth both for the sender and the recipient.
An associate and someone to whom I CANNOT hold his citizenship against him (although I try), has suggested another ending (a.k.a. epilogue) for his compatriots. So, without further adeu... Here it is:
Bullets my man!
Ya know how we (Americans)beat the shit out of the rest of the world?
With no class that's how!
Why write beautifully when you can use bullet points!
Why Yiannis Papadopoulos when Jim Brown works just as well?
Rap, not Rhapsody in Blue.
Mass production:
Make it so simple that a moron could do it.
Example: Henry Ford's gift to the world. Not the car, the assembly line concept.
Here Larry, this is your job. Check this bolt on every car that comes by.
Larry can handle that. Not too much to think about.
Hit the highlights, screw the detail. Detail is for people that want to know how something works, not IF it works.
Example:
This !000 is a hoax!
It won't stop shit!
It will let you know that you have been fucked.
Something like that! Are you feeling
me?
<Note to The Man: Thanks, I realize now that if I ever publish in the US I will need to be serious about proof reading and professional editing first>
For those who still don't get it: THIS !000 IS A HOAX. IT WON'T STOP SHIT. IT WILL LET YOU KNOW THAT YOU HAVE BEEN FUCKED.